


Failure to Raunch

by apostatively



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gladio's Poor Life Choices, Ignis/Web Safety, M/M, Rated "T" for Gladio's Brain, Things You'll Never Live Down for $500 Alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 16:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apostatively/pseuds/apostatively
Summary: Gladiolus Amicitia is alone and unsupervised with his phone, his dick, and his own personal thoughts. Thoughts of Ignis. Because sexting literally never backfires, he decides to do something about this. He really should have thought about baseball or opened up an app and played King's Knight instead...A fill for a kinkmeme prompt requesting Gladio's attempts to sext Ignis going hideously awry due to the likeness in his beau's and baby sisters' names.





	

For once in his life, Gladio got home from the gym and Iris wasn’t hogging the bathroom on their hall. 

He'd hit up the gym reserved for the Crownsguard after private practice with Noct, and lucky him, Ignis had been able to swing by to get in a couple of rounds in the sparring ring with him. Ignis had looked amazing, lanky and savage, limber and precise, and he'd almost run three red lights on the way home from just the memory of how good he'd looked after they hadn't seen each other for half a week. Visions of Ignis and his long, flexible body dancing always just out his Gladio’s range still filled his head as he locked the bathroom door and adjusted the towel wrapped around his waist. If Ignis ever decided to shower at the gym he’d probably still be there too, trying to get him into a private corner of the locker room as the evening grew late and it gradually emptied of potential eavesdroppers. But Ignis hated showering in public for some reason Gladio couldn’t figure out. His toned gymnast’s body was tighter than some of the Crownsguard or Kingsglaive, the ones who actually struggled with the weight standards, but Ignis didn’t care to show his off. Out of an entire gym full of fit, sweaty people with powerful bodies high on endorphins, he was the only one there who had seen Ignis naked, and the knowledge did nothing for his focus. No wonder Ignis had almost stomped his ass in the ring. He opened his phone as he waited for the water to warm, deliberated for a moment, and fired a message off to Ignis.

[Thinking about you. Loved you at the gym today. You’re so bendy I could barely get my hands on you. Wanna come over and change that?]

There was no response until the room began to fill with steam, making it hard to see the screen of the phone unless he kept wiping it off. As he took off his towel and slung it over a hook, the phone chimed once.

[Excuse me?]

He grinned. If Ignis was feeling all posh and sensible, he could work with that.

His large fingers slid deftly over his phone. [Come on, baby. The sexy librarian act is cute, but we did that yesterday. You should come over here and let Daddy scrub you clean. Then you could stay over, and I’ll make you so dirty again.] He sent the text and caught a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror, still flushed from PT, and the steamy condensation of the shower soaking his hair and sliding down the grooves of his torso. He hesitated. Ignis wasn’t crazy about sending out nude pics for security reasons, but he’d never said anything about Gladio sending stuff to him…

A minute or so of deliberation and strategic posing - with no reply yet from Ignis - and he had a selfie of most of his body above the knees that actually satisfied him, despite the craning he always had to do to capture as much of himself as he could in the mirror. He had to get creative with the angles, but he sent the picture to Ignis with a smirk, set his phone on the marble sink where he’d be sure to hear it if it vibrated, and stepped into the shower.

And startled hard a moment after, slipping and nearly bashing his brains out on the towel bar as Iris’ piercing shriek shattered the silence of the house.

Not bothering to turn off the water, he half-scrambled, slipped and dragged himself out of the shower, snatching his towel on the way out the door and spilling into the hallway in a cascade of steam, adrenaline and brotherly concern. He almost didn’t beat Jared to Iris’ bedroom door, but he shouldered it open hard to slam against the wall and immediately caught a heavy, block-heeled boot to his face for his trouble.

“GLADDY!!!” Iris screamed, barely intelligible in her rage and through her own hands covering her face. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! UUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!”

“What the - Iris, what the hell’s wrong with you?” He caught a second boot before it could connect with his nose, and as he ducked a flying stuffed moogle he caught a glimpse of her sparkly, red phone case on the bed. 

His selfie was on it.

Ignis was definitely going to ream him out verbally about hacking and operational security again after this, he just knew it.

“Aw, shit. Here Iris, that was a mistake, I’ll delete it.” She seized a body pillow like it was a greatsword and hauled it at him as he tried to reach for the phone. “DON’T TOUCH IT!” She shrieked. “DON’T EVEN LOOK AT IT! I’VE GOT TO BURN IT NOW! ARGH, and I just got that phone, too! OH!!! Gladdy, just GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!”

Gladiolus Amicitia, scion and heir to a legacy of proud and stalwart warriors who routinely faced down everything from expansive armies to slavering, giant daemons in pursuit of their most noble calling, tucked tail and retreated from his fourteen-year-old sister’s wrath.

He was never texting in a foggy bathroom again so long as he lived. He figured that would either end when Ignis heard about this fuck-up, or if he spontaneously dropped dead from shame at any moment.

Gladio prayed for the latter. It seemed pretty likely, and was a kinder death.

~ 

“We’re sorry we didn’t tell you before, Iris,” Ignis apologized on his behalf, sitting in the sunny parlor of the Amicitia mansion. He would be doing all the talking on Gladio’s behalf, as he'd informed Gladio when he arrived that morning, all surly folded arms and vengeful spiked hair. Part of this obligated silence was a penance, and part was because Iris couldn’t look at Gladio without a grimacing shudder, and had been skulking around the house for the entire previous day avoiding him at all costs, despite his efforts to explain or apologize. “But you have to understand, it was an honest accident, and sometimes people who are in a relationship need to express certain urges to each other, and that isn’t wrong.”

Iris glared at Ignis. “I know, Iggy. We’ve had cable TV for literally my entire life. But it’s my brother! I thought we were friends, and you’re dating my brother, and this is what it took for you guys to tell me? What, did you think I’d be mad? Because now I’ve seen a naked picture of Gladio, and I will never. Ever. Be. Clean. Again!”

“And Gladio apologizes deeply for that,” Ignis shot a grim look at Gladio over the edge of his glasses, “For several reasons.”

Iris’ eyes widened. “Oh, Astrals. You cook over here all the time! Have you guys ever done anything in the kitchen?!” She demanded, horror etched plainly over her face. 

“No,” Ignis lied flawlessly. 

Iris stared down at the decorative pillow clutched in her lap, her eyes darting up then to Ignis, and to Gladio, and Ignis, and back to the pillow. “I...I mean, this is fine. I’m happy for you guys. I’m definitely putting a ton of emojis around my name in Gladdy’s stupid phone so this NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN...but other than that, it’s okay.” She screwed up her nose. “But I never want to hear what you guys are like, getting off on, ever again! Seriously, Gladdy?!”

“Iris has the right of it on this point,” Ignis informed him primly, as if just the previous weekend he hadn't brought up over dinner some of the kinkiest shit Gladio had ever heard in his life. “I shan't be calling you ‘Daddy’, and you’d do best to put the thought out of your mind.”

“Especially since it’s pretty obvious who wears the pants around here,” Iris huffed.

“Indeed.” Ignis’ eyes dared him to say something, anything, as he took a long sip of his tea.

Gladio silently declined, trying his best to sink deeper into the crevasse his slumped posture was wearing into the dainty, flowered sitting room couch. One brush with death in two days was definitely more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> An homage to personal security/professional image maintenance online, and a requiem for those moments when you realize just as your finger leaves the "send" key that you've done something phenomenally stupid that can never be explained, retracted, or forgiven....


End file.
